Hordes Herds of vicious animals around the world are attacking and killing people with increasing frequency. It was reported in today’s New York Times – the threat is real. These savage creatures often attack from behind and frequently single out disabled people as their victims.
In 16 cases, “the animal was deemed to have purposefully struck the victim,” the report states. In 5 other cases, people were crushed against walls or by gates shoved by the cattle. Ten of the attacks were by bulls, 6 by cows and 5 by “multiple cattle.” A third of the deaths were caused by animals that had been aggressive in the past.
All but one of the victims died from head or chest injuries; the last died after a cow knocked him down and a syringe in his pocket injected him with an antibiotic meant for the cow. In at least one case the animal attacked from behind, when the person wasn’t looking. Older men with arthritis and hearing aids have the highest risk of being injured by livestock, the report says, probably because they don’t hear the animals charging and can’t move fast enough to get out of the way.
It’s time to end the madness. People, we need Bovine Specific Legislation – and we need it now!
Did you know:
- Bovines are cowardly beasts who will attack you from behind.
- They preferentially attack older people with arthritis and hearing aids.
- Some bovines have locking horns – once you’ve been gored you can not remove them!
- Bovines are inherently aggressive animals. They have been selectively bred to fight.
- When enraged – they will even attack motor vehicles.
- Bovines are notoriously difficult to train.
- They often attack when frightened.
- Millions of bovines are allowed to roam off leash and unattended on National Forest, State Forest and Bureau of Land Management lands where they terrorize hikers, hunters and fishermen.
Along with the dozens of bovine-related fatalities that occur worldwide each year, many people are also severely injured – even permanently handicapped – by bovine attacks. The threat posed by these vicious animals is unacceptable. To deal with the threat we propose the following:
- Bovine creatures must be kept muzzled and leashed hobbled or safely confined in sturdy box stalls labeled with appropriate warning signs.
- All bovines must be spayed / neutered and those with a history of aggression should be immediately slaughtered euthanized.
- Bovines found roaming at large should be seized and slaughtered. (nom!)
- Bovines will heretofore be banned from all county fairs, 4H events, rodeos and pit barbecue promotions.
- Persons being caught with illegal bovines (intact animals, unlicensed animals and those without properly color-coded RFID ear tags) will be subject to fines and imprisonment.
Once we’ve successfully eliminated the terrible threat bovines present to society we must move on to outlaw properly legislate swimming pools, automobiles, bathtubs, roller skates, stiletto heels, hot dogs – and the gutless, gormless politicians who waste their time and our money as they focus on promulgating this kind of pointless, time and money wasting crap legislation rather than dealing with important – but potentially controversial – issues that might come back to bite them in the ass.