Seeking Atheist Pet Sitters

February 15, 2010 at 10:52 pm 15 comments

Also Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans, Satanists, Jains and other non-Christians. Business Week reports reports on a group of entrepreneurial pet-loving atheists.

Bart Centre, 61, a retired retail executive in New Hampshire, says many people are troubled by this question, and he wants to help. He started a service called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets that promises to rescue and care for animals left behind by the saved.

Promoted on the Web as “the next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World,” the service has attracted more than 100 clients, who pay $110 for a 10-year contract ($15 for each additional pet.) If the Rapture happens in that time, the pets left behind will have homes—with atheists. Centre has set up a national network of godless humans to carry out the mission. “If you love your pets, I can’t understand how you could not consider this,” he says.

Will the beloved pets of the faithful really be left behind at the second coming?

Todd Strandberg, who founded a biblical prophecy Web site called raptureready.com that draws 250,000 unique visitors a month, agrees that Fido and Mittens are doomed. “Pets don’t have souls, so they’ll remain on Earth. I don’t see how they can be taken with you,” he says. “A lot of persons are concerned about their pets, but I don’t know if they should necessarily trust atheists to take care of them.”

How can Centre convince the faithful that he’s sinful enough to be left behind but not so sinful that he can’t be entrusted with the pets of the faithful? The Eternal Earthbound Pets FAQs addressed this:

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.

A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

and…

Q: How can we trust that you’ll honor your service agreement, afterall, you ARE atheists.

A: Being an atheist does not mean we lack morals or ethics. It just means we don’t believe in God or gods. All of our representatives are normal folks who love and live for their family, are gainfully employed, and have friends of varying beliefs.  Some of us are married to believers. Many of us volunteer our time at food banks, animal shelters, meals on wheels organizations, etc.   We fully endorse the “Rule of Reciprocity”, also known as “The Golden Rule.” We just happen not to believe in God(s).  Belief in God does not ensure righteousness, nor does non-belief imply immorality. Jesus understood this. Please reference Luke 10, re “The Good Samaritan.”

Centre’s not the only one who has expressed an interest and concern about the pets of the raptured. Post Rapture Pets presents a handy algorithm that allows you to calculate the Rapture Index and Reliability of any potential post rapture pet sitter. They suggest that the rapture bound cover all their metaphysical bases by lining up several potential sitters who have high Suitability Indexes for different reasons.

Where do I sign up?

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Delicious Animal Rights FAIL

15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mongo  |  February 15, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    Coolest idea since pet psychics started doing phone consultations.
    My mother had an intelligent, sane deeply religous coworker about 30 years ago who was convinced that we were experiencing “the final days” and warned that she may simply physically vanish from her cubical.

    VERY interesting that it has only attracted 100 or so clients-
    either rapture folk aren’t THAT concerned or they so convinced the day is coming soon that they refuse to own pets.
    Or maybe they suspect God has more compassion for his animals than the scripture might indicate?
    And doesn’t it seem like a quarter of a million website hits a month translate to some kind of income too?
    (I refuse to go look and check for advertising!! LOL)

  • 2. Rob McMillin  |  February 15, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    This is f*cking brilliant.

    In a sense, it’s a double con. Not only are these people taking money from the grossly religious for taking care of their pets’ post-rapture needs, they’re also pressing on and getting these guys to pay for what should be a core theological issue about the saved-ness of their pets’ souls/persons here. Shouldn’t these animals qualify as innocents who are therefore transported whole to whatever postseason life exists for these guys? I mean, if you thought about what this implied for their view of God — how insanely cruel He would have to be to do this! — how could you bother worshiping something like that?

    Glurgified version here.

  • 3. H. Houlahan  |  February 16, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Naw, the Convinced-They-Are-About-To-Be-Raptured have a simple secret spiritual credo: “I Got Mine, Beyotch.” This extends to animals. Who the fuck cares if Snoopy starves in the laundry room as long as I got into Heaven?

    The way to market this is to insinuate that a failure to consider their pets’ needs might possibly prevent them from being raptured.

    This is theologically unsound, since rapture-believers also believe in salvation through Grace, not Works — but while that’s the easy path of no-work, no-sacrifice admission to Heaven, I think it’s likely that most retain nagging doubts, as it’s a tricky kind of divided consciousness belief system. The marketing wedge can find its way into that worried conflict.

    What if buggering a Boy Scout really does go on your permanent record, even though you’ve repented and asked Jaysus for forgiveness and to make you not gay every single time you’ve done it? Better cover all the bases and buy rapture insurance for Mittens.

    I first saw this proposal in a Best of Craig’s List ad a few years ago.

  • 4. Rob McMillin  |  February 16, 2010 at 12:13 am

    Holy crap, yes. I remember that one, too!

  • 5. H. Houlahan  |  February 16, 2010 at 1:11 am

    I learned way more than I ever wanted to know about pre- and post- millenialism, and fundies in general, while writing my senior thesis as an undergrad.

    It’s a strange, scary, hostile world they’ve created in their heads, and seek to replicate on earth.

  • 6. Rob McMillin  |  February 16, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Two words: Jim Kunstler. Not a religious millennialist but of a similar stripe. And somebody whom I hope to raise a cheerful middle digit to one day.

  • 7. Gina Spadafori  |  February 16, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    If I hadn’t read the comments, I would have been difficult to convince me that this didn’t come from the Onion. But then, I would have said the same about The Creation Museum.

  • 8. SmartDogs  |  February 16, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    The real beauty of the Onion is how frightfully close to reality their stories often are.

  • 9. Miare Connolly  |  February 16, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Why, oh why, have I not thought of this?

    I would never have to work another day in my life!

    Hmmm…what other way can I make my millions off other’s gullibility?

  • 10. Wendy Faith Laymon  |  February 16, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Eternal Earth Bound Pets…

    Also Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans, Satanists, Jains and other non-Christians. Business Week reports reports on a group of entrepreneurial pet-loving atheists. Bart Centre, 61, a retired retail executive in New Hampshire, says many people ar…

  • 11. Pooch Professor  |  February 16, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    I agree that this is BRILLIANT.

    I have 30 years of atheist street cred. I like animals. Is that enough?

    Will their pets be trained, you think? I know many in the “positive training” camp act like fundies in their zeal, and I’ve always seen parallels there. Makes ya think.

  • 12. Wild Dingo  |  February 17, 2010 at 2:43 am

    I saw this last year and i was sooooo BUMMED i didn’t think of this money maker first! what a GREAT idea. i mean seriously.

  • 13. Rob McMillin  |  February 17, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Hmmm…what other way can I make my millions off other’s gullibility?

    T-A-R-P. And you’re aiming far, far too low.

  • 14. Jill  |  February 17, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    $110 for a ten-year contract? It would have to be a volume business.

    To REALLY make money, try this:

    http://www.lifegem.com/secondary/beloved_pets_main2006.aspx

  • 15. SmartDogs  |  February 21, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    For Barbara:

    As posted, your comment was too spammy. When a comment has a word count that’s equal to or great than a post – and includes links to books, products etc – its not acceptable.

    Repost in a shorter version or it remains in digital purgatory.

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